Purposeful

 When I was little I went to summer camp with my sister every year.  For one week every summer we were immersed in nature, arts and crafts, swimming lessons and campfire songs.  One year, I think I was about10...our camp counselor rounded us all up for a nature walk. I was so excited that I couldn't wait to go exploring!

 When we were in the woods rather deep, our camp counselor instructed us to find the biggest and most perfect leaf that we could find.  I loved nature and I loved to be alone.  For me a walk thru the woods, separating myself from others, while hunting treasures of nature put me in my my element. The trees were so big and anchored stoutly in the earth as I looked upward to the sky...with sunlight flickering thru the leaves, casting shades of green far more complex than a crayon box.  Crunching leaves and mossy smells filtered thru the air and I forgot about all the others as I communed with nature.

 I tried to identify poison Ivy, but to no avail...I was knee deep in weeds and violet shaded flowers.  A swallow tail chased my vision to the left and it was there that I notice a perfect web glistening with water droplets dripping off of a shade leaf above a towering tree. A waterfall of sorts in slow motion. The spider was centered,  a signature on his marked creation of complexity and purposeful design. I picked the leaf that held the dew.  This was the biggest most perfect leaf with flecks of yellow watercolors mixed with red and green.  I heard the camp counselor calling everyone together in the distance. I headed toward the voice.

 As I walked closer the sound of  giggling girls and gossiping laughs we were directed to take our prized leaves and head to the river. I held my leaf high in the air and watched it twirl between my thumb and forefinger as I ran toward the water.  We were instructed  us to stand in line and hold our leaves out. Next  a birthday candle was affixed  by melted wax onto our leaves.  From there the candles were lit and we were to place our leaves in the water with a wish.  If the makeshift boat made it around the bend in the river, then our wishes would come true.

I stood back and watched the girls place their boats in the water.  They ran along the bank excitedly peeking between trees and brush, checking excitedly to see if they were still afloat. I heard squeals and giggles from girls whose leaves were still alive racing down the river far past many others. Soon I found myself alone again, the wax from my candle feverishly dripping down its sides. I closed my eyes for my wish. Images of my grandma Jean flooded my mind.

     "Did I ever show you what they did to my breast?" I'm sure my face was purple...the mere mention of the word breast to an 8 year old.  "No, Grandma." I said squeamishly..  She reached into her blouse and pulled her left breast out ..."look at what they did." I looked as my grandmother requested...her breast was half gone, stitched and scared, held in her had like a trophy.  Defiant, alive, Confirming her femininity aloud to remind herself that she was still a woman. flash ahead
    Grandma was in the hospital  breast cancer was a memory and lung cancer replaced itself as a much larger hurdle. The struggle for femininity was long forgotten and the maintenance of dignity was evident. Her morphine button was shiny and  she held onto it like a ruby, gripping it ever so slightly. She struggled for comfort. and it was obvious. I tried so hard not to cry in front of her..I tried really hard.

My candle flickered in my hand. I slowly placed it into the water. "God, please let my grandma live.  I'll do what ever you want. Please God." I saw my leaf float back and forth and swirl around and then it sank. I wept.

That I thought about the abandonment I felt from God  and the feeling of loneliness.  I remembered the treasure hunt earlier in the day.  I thought of the spider on his complex and meaningful designed web.  Then it hit me.  God was showing me the answer to my prayer before I even prayed it today.  There was reason behind everything. Like the web I saw glistening in the sun, it was complex and had a creator, and there was purpose in its design. I had to trust in Him, regardless of the pain, regardless of her pain. 

I though of Job and how he lost everything including his family and he praised God.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised."

The pain is fresh in my memories decades later.  But the memories of my Grandma Jean are stronger and my love for her is fonder.  In her death, my relationship with God moved from recited prayers to conversations. Purposeful.