When I was little I went to summer camp with my sister every year. For one week every summer we were immersed in nature, arts and crafts, swimming lessons and campfire songs. One year, I think I was about10...our camp counselor rounded us all up for a nature walk. I was so excited that I couldn't wait to go exploring!
When we were in the woods rather deep, our camp counselor instructed us to find the biggest and most perfect leaf that we could find. I loved nature and I loved to be alone. For me a walk thru the woods, separating myself from others, while hunting treasures of nature put me in my my element. The trees were so big and anchored stoutly in the earth as I looked upward to the sky...with sunlight flickering thru the leaves, casting shades of green far more complex than a crayon box. Crunching leaves and mossy smells filtered thru the air and I forgot about all the others as I communed with nature.
I tried to identify poison Ivy, but to no avail...I was knee deep in weeds and violet shaded flowers. A swallow tail chased my vision to the left and it was there that I notice a perfect web glistening with water droplets dripping off of a shade leaf above a towering tree. A waterfall of sorts in slow motion. The spider was centered, a signature on his marked creation of complexity and purposeful design. I picked the leaf that held the dew. This was the biggest most perfect leaf with flecks of yellow watercolors mixed with red and green. I heard the camp counselor calling everyone together in the distance. I headed toward the voice.
As I walked closer the sound of giggling girls and gossiping laughs we were directed to take our prized leaves and head to the river. I held my leaf high in the air and watched it twirl between my thumb and forefinger as I ran toward the water. We were instructed us to stand in line and hold our leaves out. Next a birthday candle was affixed by melted wax onto our leaves. From there the candles were lit and we were to place our leaves in the water with a wish. If the makeshift boat made it around the bend in the river, then our wishes would come true.
I stood back and watched the girls place their boats in the water. They ran along the bank excitedly peeking between trees and brush, checking excitedly to see if they were still afloat. I heard squeals and giggles from girls whose leaves were still alive racing down the river far past many others. Soon I found myself alone again, the wax from my candle feverishly dripping down its sides. I closed my eyes for my wish. Images of my grandma Jean flooded my mind.
"Did I ever show you what they did to my breast?" I'm sure my face was purple...the mere mention of the word breast to an 8 year old. "No, Grandma." I said squeamishly.. She reached into her blouse and pulled her left breast out ..."look at what they did." I looked as my grandmother requested...her breast was half gone, stitched and scared, held in her had like a trophy. Defiant, alive, Confirming her femininity aloud to remind herself that she was still a woman. flash ahead
Grandma was in the hospital breast cancer was a memory and lung cancer replaced itself as a much larger hurdle. The struggle for femininity was long forgotten and the maintenance of dignity was evident. Her morphine button was shiny and she held onto it like a ruby, gripping it ever so slightly. She struggled for comfort. and it was obvious. I tried so hard not to cry in front of her..I tried really hard.
My candle flickered in my hand. I slowly placed it into the water. "God, please let my grandma live. I'll do what ever you want. Please God." I saw my leaf float back and forth and swirl around and then it sank. I wept.
That I thought about the abandonment I felt from God and the feeling of loneliness. I remembered the treasure hunt earlier in the day. I thought of the spider on his complex and meaningful designed web. Then it hit me. God was showing me the answer to my prayer before I even prayed it today. There was reason behind everything. Like the web I saw glistening in the sun, it was complex and had a creator, and there was purpose in its design. I had to trust in Him, regardless of the pain, regardless of her pain.
I though of Job and how he lost everything including his family and he praised God.
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised."
The pain is fresh in my memories decades later. But the memories of my Grandma Jean are stronger and my love for her is fonder. In her death, my relationship with God moved from recited prayers to conversations. Purposeful.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
A Walk To Heaven
I was at my Great-Grandmother's house following her from room to room and task to task. The pace was upbeat and full of energy and our conversation was smooth and fluid keeping pace with our domestic activities. She stepped into the kitchen and from the front room I could hear her open the back door. Then I heard her talking in a familiar tone, but it wasn't to me. "Grandma, who are you talking to?" I asked. "Grandpa." she said...
My heart sank. Grandpa had passed away a few years earlier. I felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment. Despite Grandma being in her 90's she was not showing signs of dementia. Maybe it was the starting phases I thought. "Grandma, no really...who are you talking too?" "Why, Grandpa." she said. I moved from the front room into the kitchen saying, "Grandma, the neighbors are all going to think that you are crazy! Grandpa is dead."
As soon as I stepped into the kitchen she said, "He's right here." She had the door to the back yard cracked open and the light radiated out of the opening. Light, whiter than white, whiter than bright, pure and clear. Loving and kind, all knowing, forgiving...There are no words, these are just my best words....
She opened the door all of the way, and the light overwhelmed my spirit. I have never felt such unconditional love and purpose of spirit..."Where are you going?" Grandma had stepped partway into the light, and I saw her beauty and I saw the depth of her soul. I felt the presence of God..."I'm going too." I said. "You cant, Its not your time." Before I could protest, she was gone and I was humbled to my knees.
It was August 1992 , I awoke on a cruise ship in the middle of the Hawaiian islands in the midst of my honeymoon..with the dream or vision above driven through my soul. I know what I dreamt or saw or experienced.the night before. I knew my Grandmother passed, and I know I stood in the presence of God. I was so worked up I wanted to call home. This would be no easy feat. Cell phones were not common like today and we had to wait for the boat to dock before we could locate a land line to call.
I got ahold of my Mom who insisted that everything was fine and that Grandma was doing well. She even scolded me for calling her on my honeymoon. She told me I should be concentrating on other things! I stressed to my new husband, that what I experienced was real, and was very confused by my Mother's denial. Regardless of me feelings we enjoyed the rest of our trip.
A few weeks later, I stopped by my parents house with our photo album of wedding pictures and honeymoon adventures. I went over to my Mom's desk to find some tape to secure a photo back into the album and I stopped dead in my tracks ...my Grandmother's obituary was sitting on the desk top. My Mom saw my expression and quickly interjected, that my Grandmother did indeed pass the night that I had suggested. She did not want to ruin my trip, and knew of the guilt I would feel for missing her funeral.
I never cried for the death of my Grandmother. I did not have to. I saw and felt the light, the grace and witnessed her transition from this life to the light of God. I was given the opportunity to walk her to Heaven and nowI prepare for my own walk one day knowing and remembering the comfort and generosity in that light.
My heart sank. Grandpa had passed away a few years earlier. I felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment. Despite Grandma being in her 90's she was not showing signs of dementia. Maybe it was the starting phases I thought. "Grandma, no really...who are you talking too?" "Why, Grandpa." she said. I moved from the front room into the kitchen saying, "Grandma, the neighbors are all going to think that you are crazy! Grandpa is dead."
As soon as I stepped into the kitchen she said, "He's right here." She had the door to the back yard cracked open and the light radiated out of the opening. Light, whiter than white, whiter than bright, pure and clear. Loving and kind, all knowing, forgiving...There are no words, these are just my best words....
She opened the door all of the way, and the light overwhelmed my spirit. I have never felt such unconditional love and purpose of spirit..."Where are you going?" Grandma had stepped partway into the light, and I saw her beauty and I saw the depth of her soul. I felt the presence of God..."I'm going too." I said. "You cant, Its not your time." Before I could protest, she was gone and I was humbled to my knees.
It was August 1992 , I awoke on a cruise ship in the middle of the Hawaiian islands in the midst of my honeymoon..with the dream or vision above driven through my soul. I know what I dreamt or saw or experienced.the night before. I knew my Grandmother passed, and I know I stood in the presence of God. I was so worked up I wanted to call home. This would be no easy feat. Cell phones were not common like today and we had to wait for the boat to dock before we could locate a land line to call.
I got ahold of my Mom who insisted that everything was fine and that Grandma was doing well. She even scolded me for calling her on my honeymoon. She told me I should be concentrating on other things! I stressed to my new husband, that what I experienced was real, and was very confused by my Mother's denial. Regardless of me feelings we enjoyed the rest of our trip.
A few weeks later, I stopped by my parents house with our photo album of wedding pictures and honeymoon adventures. I went over to my Mom's desk to find some tape to secure a photo back into the album and I stopped dead in my tracks ...my Grandmother's obituary was sitting on the desk top. My Mom saw my expression and quickly interjected, that my Grandmother did indeed pass the night that I had suggested. She did not want to ruin my trip, and knew of the guilt I would feel for missing her funeral.
I never cried for the death of my Grandmother. I did not have to. I saw and felt the light, the grace and witnessed her transition from this life to the light of God. I was given the opportunity to walk her to Heaven and nowI prepare for my own walk one day knowing and remembering the comfort and generosity in that light.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)